Day 46: Challenges

One of the many challenges of trying to walk 15,000 steps a day is the initial streak hurdle. When you’ve only hit your step goal for one, two, or three consecutive days, it’s easy to blow it off and start over again if you’re too tired or cranky. You haven’t gotten very far just yet, so no big deal right?

That’s the challenge I’m facing right now. I’m exhausted and I want to go to bed. My step goal seems out of reach since I’m only at 5,842 steps for the day. Hitting 15,000 would require over an hour and a half’s worth of living room laps, and frankly, it just doesn’t seem worth it right at this moment.¬† I’m so tired! Isn’t getting a good night’s rest more important?

When it comes down to it, it really doesn’t matter what excuse I come up with or how I justify it. What matters is what I choose to do or not do, and the only person it really matters to is me, right? Why all the drama? Sometimes going to sleep is the right answer. At least that’s what I’m going to tell myself tonight.

Day 88: FFS

Day 87

I’m drawing a blank on yesterday. Luckily, I have my Garmin app to remind me that I failed to hit my step goal yesterday by a lot. Thanks Garmin Connect!

Final step count: 8,355

Day 88

Today’s post was supposed to be one full of successes and yay mes, but it isn’t. Little kid was still sick today, so I kept him home. I couldn’t decide on a workout plan to follow, so I skipped the gym out of frustration, and instead of having a plan for tomorrow to get back on track, I am already anticipating another failure.

That’s not a good sign.

Oh, and did I mention I didn’t hit my step goal today either? At this rate, I’m going to surpass my previous 20-day step goal streak with a streak of days I didn’t hit my goal. :/

I need to snap out of whatever this is, and I need to do it pronto. I really don’t want to waste this week or worse, the next four.

Final step count: 12,165

Days 82 & 83: Where am I and where did my motivation go?

Day 82

I went to bed last night without hitting my step goal. I knew I was short steps, but I just didn’t seem to care enough to get up and walk laps. I am still struggling with getting back into the swing of things after vacation. It’s frustrating because I’d hoped that the progress I’ve made since I began this challenge would make it easier for me to bounce back from vacation mode. But it hasn’t, at least not yet. I’m still that person who struggles for weeks to get back into the whole “working out and eating better” thing after indulging and being lazy for a week on vacation.

Final step count: 10,379

And struggle this week I have. Yesterday was the first day I stayed within my calorie range since last Wednesday. I haven’t even tried to make it to the gym this week. I basically resigned myself to not working out until after my Bod Pod for no good reason.

Even worse, I feel like I subconsciously blew off my step goal. As I updated my tracking sheet this morning, I realized that I missed my step goal on Monday by less than 1,000 steps. I hadn’t even noticed.

I need to snap out of this funk and get motivated again. I’ve made too much progress to start slipping back into old habits and start regaining the weight. I just don’t know how to. All of my old “tricks,” like finding a new workout plan, just aren’t working this time around.

Any tips, tricks, or advice would be greatly appreciated.

Current step total: 13,022

Days 79: Feeling low

I wrote the post below yesterday, but forgot to his publish. :/

Day 78

I’ve struggled with getting back on track this week. Although I’d managed to stay within my calorie range and dropped my vacation water weight, I’ve skipped most of my gym days. Then yesterday, I went over my calorie range.

What had happened was: little kid was playing around on the couch while I was vegging out on my phone. The next thing you know, he slips, he falls, he manages the hit the coffee table edge face first, and ends up with an ugly gash by his eyebrow.

Thankfully, it wasn’t as bad as it looked. He didn’t need stitches, and he was back to playing a few minutes later, but I felt it was my fault. I still fill it was my fault.

Since I started this challenge, I feel like I’ve gotten significantly better at managing my emotions, and avoiding the downward spiral I tend to fall into when I become upset. But I couldn’t avoid the hole I fell into last night. I turned to food, and knowingly gave up on trying to hit my step goal. I felt so bad, I was one click away from deleting this entire blog. It’s the first time in a while that I’ve felt this low.

Final step count: 6,894

Day 79

Unfortunately, as with previous similar moods, I haven’t been able to shake it. I still feel pretty awful. While I can tell myself that mistakes happen and this one mistake doesn’t make me the worst parent on the face of this Earth; it doesn’t change the fact that I still feel like I am.

Which means, I am continuing to turn to food for comfort. I haven’t conquered emotional eating just yet. I’ve minimized it by controlling my emotions better; but I haven’t figured out how to manage when I can’t manage how I feel. Therefore, as I’m sure you can guess, I overate again today. In fact, as I write this, all I can think of is how much I want to go back into the kitchen, and find something else to eat. I’m trying to write this post in hopes of riding the craving out, and get to bed without eating anything more.

I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, but hopefully it’ll be relief from these negative feelings. I don’t want to start off a new week feeling this way, and I don’t want to ruin the progress I’ve made. Despite going outside my calorie range yesterday, I weighed in at my lowest this morning in years: 122 lbs. I want to keep the weight loss ball rolling.

Final step count: 15,355

Days 16 and 17: Parenting is hard.

Day 16

Another successful, but challenging day in terms of hitting my daily step goal. It should have been easier considering we spent the day out with the kids and with friends, but I guess I didn’t walk around as much as it seemed. By the time we got home, I was barely at 8,000 steps. It took two episodes worth of pacing during the current Korean drama I’m watching to hit my goal.

Final step count: 15,148

Day 17

This week was a rough one. Little kid was sick, and I struggled with staying home with him.

Parenting is hard.

I began writing this post yesterday, but I struggled with how much I wanted to write about the ups and downs of parenting. This blog is supposed to be about my step challenge, not necessarily about the feelings of guilt I live with because I’m not the mom I’d hoped to be. But, the thing is, they are connected, aren’t they? Whether or not I am able to hit 15,000 steps each day for a year has everything to do with how I live my day-to-day life and the choices I make. My family has a significant impact on those choices.

I love my children with all my heart – I’d give my life for them. They make me smile, bring me joy, and fill my days with love; but I don’t always like them. I don’t always have fun with them. I don’t want to spend every waking moment interacting with them. I need time to myself.

Rationally, I know taking time for myself is ok and makes me a much better parent. The quality of our time together is significantly better when I’ve had that alone time. Without out it, I’m less patient, more distracted, and much more tired and stressed. Living as a martyr mom isn’t good for the kids, my husband, or me; but that doesn’t lessen the guilt I feel about needing that time.

I read somewhere that the days are long, but the years are short. Hard weeks like these seem endless when they’re happening, but then you wake up one morning and your babies are all grown, and you find yourself mourning for all of the time you missed with them. I don’t know if I’ll ever manage to get rid of my mommy guilt. I can’t change the past, but I can do my best to do better today and in the future.¬†Today is a new day, and with it come new opportunities to make memories, work towards goals, and walk a lot of steps. I’m ready for it.

Happy Sunday!

Current step total: 633

Current step goal streak: 4 days 
Previous step goal streak: 1 day 
Longest step goal streak: 6 days