Day 52: I ate a mountain of french fries

The last few days, I’ve been feeling pretty proud of myself. I am on a 5-day step goal streak, I’ve been hitting the gym, and I’ve managed to get more mindfulness and water into my daily life. I’ve also been doing pretty ok with the whole avoiding gluten and dairy thing – it hasn’t felt as hard as I expected it to be.

Until today.

Today sucked. Or rather, this evening sucked.

The day started out all right. I had some bone broth soup for breakfast. I went to the gym. I did some work and a little meal prepping. I even volunteered at my daughter’s school for a couple of hours. It was turning out to be a nice, productive day. Then we went out for dinner after visiting the poop museum (yup, you read that right, a museum dedicated to poop). My daughter wanted a burger and I figured I would be able to find something I could eat there too, so we went to the burger spot.

Well, it turns out they only serve cheeseburgers at this place, and asking for a burger with no cheese or bun just isn’t a thing. That’s just not how it works here; so while everyone else had what they described as the best burgers they’ve tasted since moving to Japan, I ate a mountain of fries.

I have never wanted a burger so bad in my life.

It was awful. That meal was a slap-in-the-face reminder that having to avoid gluten and dairy sucks big time. It legit hurt my feelings.

I know I should focus on the fact that I managed to resist the temptation. I should be proud of myself for staying strong and all that; but truthfully, I sort of feel a bit down about it instead.

I keep telling myself that it’s just food and that cravings are really just mind games your brain plays with you, but it still feels crappy. It still makes me feel kind of sad. I mean, I love food. It means all sorts of things to me. I also love doing whatever I want – I don’t do well with rules and restrictions, just ask any of my previous supervisors from back in the day.

But, I’m going to bed tonight without stomach pains. I’m not running to the bathroom every few minutes. I feel good physically, even if I don’t feel so swell emotionally, and that’s a good thing. I can’t expect it to always be easy. It’s going to be hard more often than not, but in the end, despite the suck, it will be worth it – even if I can’t take comfort in that fact right now.

Days 79: Feeling low

I wrote the post below yesterday, but forgot to his publish. :/

Day 78

I’ve struggled with getting back on track this week. Although I’d managed to stay within my calorie range and dropped my vacation water weight, I’ve skipped most of my gym days. Then yesterday, I went over my calorie range.

What had happened was: little kid was playing around on the couch while I was vegging out on my phone. The next thing you know, he slips, he falls, he manages the hit the coffee table edge face first, and ends up with an ugly gash by his eyebrow.

Thankfully, it wasn’t as bad as it looked. He didn’t need stitches, and he was back to playing a few minutes later, but I felt it was my fault. I still fill it was my fault.

Since I started this challenge, I feel like I’ve gotten significantly better at managing my emotions, and avoiding the downward spiral I tend to fall into when I become upset. But I couldn’t avoid the hole I fell into last night. I turned to food, and knowingly gave up on trying to hit my step goal. I felt so bad, I was one click away from deleting this entire blog. It’s the first time in a while that I’ve felt this low.

Final step count: 6,894

Day 79

Unfortunately, as with previous similar moods, I haven’t been able to shake it. I still feel pretty awful. While I can tell myself that mistakes happen and this one mistake doesn’t make me the worst parent on the face of this Earth; it doesn’t change the fact that I still feel like I am.

Which means, I am continuing to turn to food for comfort. I haven’t conquered emotional eating just yet. I’ve minimized it by controlling my emotions better; but I haven’t figured out how to manage when I can’t manage how I feel. Therefore, as I’m sure you can guess, I overate again today. In fact, as I write this, all I can think of is how much I want to go back into the kitchen, and find something else to eat. I’m trying to write this post in hopes of riding the craving out, and get to bed without eating anything more.

I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, but hopefully it’ll be relief from these negative feelings. I don’t want to start off a new week feeling this way, and I don’t want to ruin the progress I’ve made. Despite going outside my calorie range yesterday, I weighed in at my lowest this morning in years: 122 lbs. I want to keep the weight loss ball rolling.

Final step count: 15,355